yes

2004 was the Year of Miracles, and did I ever need some that year as my sweet little cousin fell and swelled and fought to live….The miracle that he did indeed live, the miracle that we all went on breathing and moving and behaving quite normal. The miracle of a lifetime of perspective found in an instant. The miracle of honesty sweeping through the room, stirring up hearts and causing us to hold nothing back. The way that day, in that year of miracles, lead me arrow-straight down a completely new path that has blessed and challenged and stretched and strengthened me. A path that is still winding, and the miracle that I have not yet grown impatient, weary, sad…

Since that massive year I have labeled then all….Soul, Understanding, Joy, Freedom…

And then 2009, sublimely stamped with the sweet word Restoration. What a frightening word to choose at first, but once the word appears it hovers out there in front of my line of vision like some knowing spider’s web, created specifically for catching my year’s moments, holding them there in the silver lining until I focus my eyes, still my thoughts, and see how the moments relate to the word itself.

The word chooses me.

Restoration was terrifying, sometimes heartbreaking, but oh if only I had counted the ways He truly did bring restoration to my soul…reminding me of how He sees me. Who I am. Who He is. All that is under His care and control. The fear subsides. The year grows long and the restoration comes, and then with December’s ending comes the creeping fear again as it is time to reflect on what has been done, and what I will beg for in the newness of January’s calling…

Now, 2010, 51 days in, and I am still walking in fear of this year’s chosen word. More frightening than begging the Lord to tear out the crippled parts of my heart and restore them to walking again…More frightening than pleading for miracles before realizing that they can only be seen when things are falling apart, when they themselves are the only hope…More frightening than declaring all things joy and then sitting in heartache and anxiety and feeling betrayed.

This year, I have vowed to say Yes…

Just days after I had settled on Yes (no..Yes had settled on me…) I read this and it was done. All done. Terrified or not, The Year of Yes was upon me. 

Being a creature of Yes all of my life, it was time for a new definition of this simple little breath of a word. This could not be about taking on more; in fact, it is about being asked to take on less…to refrain from all of the Yeses I toss out into the winds hoping someone will need and appreciate them. It is about tuning out the voices that have grown dependent on my every Yes and turning my Yes to God alone.

In every question asked of me that comes from my dear Savior, the answer must be Yes.

Will you love as I have loved? Yes, Lord.

Will you see yourself as I see you? Yes, Lord.

Will you speak out for those who cannot speak for themselves? Yes.

Will you do right, even when right seems wrong? Yes. 

Will you encourage even when you cannot see the hope? Yes. 

Will you turn to Me before any one, any thing, any thought? Yes. 

Will you cast all cares upon Me before trying to cure them yourself? Yes. 

Will you do the work I have set out for you? Yes. 

Will you suffer as those you love sit in suffering? Yes.

Will you let those who love sit with you? Yes.

Will you live in thanksgiving, in joy, in peace, no matter what heaviness swirls and tears around you? Yes, Lord, Yes.

The questions appear to pile up day by day. They are sometimes piercing, sometimes light. They are pages long, and they cover every breath. Every decision. Every movement. Every moment.

Yes.

Even when mumbled with a stubborn spirit. Yes. Even when expelled from shaking, terrified lips. Yes. Even when sighed out heavily from a tired, tired soul. Yes.

And then in great joy…Yes! Yes Lord, Yes! A hundred and a thousand and a million times, Yes!
The journey of Restoration put me in close contact with the Holy Spirit…so neglected for so long, such power and beauty and great great love there, just waiting there, undisturbed, as I listened to my own disturbed will…

But now I feel I know Him. We are creating something quite wonderful here. We are woven together like some cozy soft sweater that without I am lost, and cold, and unshielded. What great Soul is found in Him. What perfect Understanding. What Joy. What Freedom. What Restoration done through Him…

Without His promptings, His nudging, His soft whispers, I would not be able to discern the pull of the world from the pull of the Lord. I could convince myself minute by minute to say Yes to things unhealthy, unwise…those things possibly permissible, but not especially beneficial. Saying Yes to my Jesus, who said the ultimate Yes for me, often means saying No to self, to to others, to world. It means saying No to trying to run ahead when the Lord is begging me to rest and be and grow right where I am. It means saying No to comfort and ease and security and moving into the fear a little more each day…finding that in the fear there lies the freedom. It means sounding foolish, looking foolish, saying No to what the world calls right, and knowing that the only One who matters holds all of my Yeses in his hand, looks upon them with joy…it’s overwhelming.

Yes.